What to Do If You’re Not Happy in Relationships?

Most people desire to have healthy and happy relationships. Unfortunately, not everyone is lucky to have fulfilling ones.

Statistically, nearly 19% of people are not happy in relationships; however, they still prefer to stay longer in them. It means most people are still optimistic their unhappy relationships can turn around for the better, while others are just stuck not knowing how to handle the situation.

While ending unhappy relationships may feel like the easy answer, or only option, it is not necessarily the best thing in all circumstances. Sometimes, you might want to stay and hold hope that you can find a way to build happiness, increased communication, and satisfaction in these relationships.

If that’s what you want to do, here are some steps to help you:

Reasons for being not happy in relationships

The first step to working toward improving a relationship is identifying reasons as to what is causing the distress in the first place. 

You may be unhappy in relationships due to various reasons, from troubles between you and your partner to personal problems. It is vital to identify the reason why you’re not happy in relationships. 

Understanding the problem will help you identify the solution.

Signs of troubles between you and your partner

Various indicators can suggest you’re both unhappy. Here are some common pointers:

• Seeking distractions such as drugs, alcohol, risky behaviors, other partners. 
• Easily irritable or feeling disrespected
• Looking for excuses not to be at home
• Preferring or going back to your past life or feeling you would be happier in a different life
• Avoiding committing to the relationship
• Spending less time together [1] The Jed Foundation. (2021, August 16). Common relationship problems and how to deal with them | JED. https://jedfoundation.org/resource/common-relationship-problems-and-how-to-deal-with-them/
• Resenting your partner
• Not much to share between partners
• Not enjoying the person’s company
• No longer feeling attracted to your partner
• Finding yourself thinking that you are only staying in the relationship for other reasons (financial, children, fear of being alone)

If you’ve experienced any of the above signs, it’s likely they‘re the cause of your unhappy relationships.

When you note any sign related to the ones mentioned above, it’s advisable to address them early. 

Personal problems

Unhappiness in relationships can also arise from within us. Before you start looking for other sources of joylessness, evaluate yourself first.

So, here is a simple question to ask yourself: Are there personal problems that could make me unhappy?

The problems you’ll think about when answering the above question are the cause of discontent with your partner. They may include:

• Work-related stress
• Financial concerns
• Depression
• Insecurity
• Family crisis
• Health problems
• Feeling lonely
• Trauma

While most of these factors are unrelated to relationships, they’re big contributors to unhappiness. When these things make you feel irritated, you’re highly likely to extend the dissatisfaction and bitterness to your partner.

Addressing personal unhappiness is crucial for healthier relationships. By understanding and resolving your own issues, you can reduce criticism, jealousy, and manipulation, leading to a more positive and fulfilling connection with your partner.

Other сauses

Sometimes you may not be happy due to reasons beyond yourself.

Some of them are:

• Lack of sex life
• Grudge
• Lack of respect
• Poor communication
• Resistance
• No emotional connection
• Lack of time together
• No support
• Financial challenges
• Differences in core values

Addressing issues like a lack of sex life, grudges, and lack of respect is critical for setting up happy relationships. Improving communication, spending quality time together, and offering support can rebuild emotional connections. 

Overcoming resistance and financial challenges ensures a stronger, more fulfilling partnership. 

Oftentimes, challenges in the relationship do not exist independently. For example, lack of communication and stress from managing the home or finances can often lead to feeling emotionally disconnected and resulting in a lack of sexual intimacy.

– Tiffany Lovins, Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC)

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These challenges are often interwoven and complex and both parties in the relationship have a role in evaluating how they are contributing to the current distress and what each person can do to build healthier strategies for communication and partnership. 

Issues of self-sabotaging

Self-sabotaging behaviors often stem from unhappy relationships. When you feel unfulfilled, you might unconsciously act in ways that harm the relationship further.

Some of these behaviors include:

• Gaslighting. Being unhappy in relationships can lead to gaslighting as one partner may try to control the other’s emotions and perceptions to avoid confronting issues. This manipulation can cause the unhappy partner to doubt their own feelings and reality, creating a toxic cycle of confusion and emotional turmoil.
• Jealousy. If you are not happy in relationships with your partner, you may have insecurities and fears about losing them. These feelings can lead to jealousy, ultimately straining the relationship further.
• Criticism. Not feeling happiness in relationships can lead to criticism as frustrations and dissatisfaction with the relationship can manifest as criticism towards the partner. This criticism may stem from unresolved issues and contribute to a negative cycle of communication and emotional distancing.

Solutions to be happy in relationships

Finding solutions is essential for happiness in relationships because it helps resolve conflicts and misunderstandings. When partners work together to solve problems, it builds trust and strengthens their bond. 

By addressing issues promptly, couples create a more positive and harmonious relationship environment. Effective solutions will help turn around your relationships and improve them.

Below are some critical tips to consider to bring happiness back in relationships.

Indicate the issues

Identify all the issues and discuss them with your spouse. Be realistic and honest with your feelings from your perspective based on what you observe without assigning blame to your partner. 

When you are able to use statements from the “I” perspective, it can help reduce the likelihood for defensiveness and create more receptive communication.

– Tiffany Lovins, Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC)

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Such as “I notice that when you get home from work, you tend to get quiet and don’t want to talk with me. When this happens, I have a thought that you may be upset with me. How can I check in with you when this happens to make sure I am not making assumptions and am also supporting you with what you need?”  

Both of you should suggest ways to handle these challenges to clarify expectations of each other, make sure needs are met, and boundaries are respected. 

By being open, you may learn that your spouse struggles with the same problems as you, or they may have a solution to some of your problems.

Think of ways to increase happiness in your relationships and commit to fulfilling them. If you fail to find any solutions, you may consider seeking help from a relationship expert. These counselors are experienced in marriage matters and should help you find effective ways to increase happiness.

To achieve a lasting solution, you must be specific to your concerns. Setting out the exact reason for your unhappiness can help you address them better. 

Focus on yourself first

Sometimes, people tend to lose themselves in relationships. You may immerse yourself in your partner, putting their wants and needs first. 

In return, you may unreasonably expect your partner to meet all of your needs, ending up struggling with disappointment and resentment when they are unable to do so. 

It’s important to remember to prioritize yourself and consider how other relationships (friends, family, colleagues), interests, and activities can meet some of our needs.

– Tiffany Lovins, Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC)

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Putting yourself first in relationships is important because it ensures your needs and well-being are met. This helps you maintain a healthy self-esteem and prevents resentment from building up. 

When you prioritize yourself, you can set clear boundaries and openly discuss expectations of each other, leading to more respectful and balanced interactions. It also allows you to bring your best self to the relationship, benefiting both partners. 

Ultimately, self-care fosters a stronger, more fulfilling connection.

Practice Open Communication

The next step is to let your partner know how you feel. Do not hold anything back, but do it respectfully. Don’t blame your partner for the problems. Instead, suggest ways to increase happiness in your relationships.

Also, allow the other party to express their feelings. Listen to what they have to say, and if need be, give them enough time to think over the issue. 

This can often be a challenge for some couples based on differing attachment styles. One partner may feel anxious if issues are not resolved immediately while the other may tend to avoid and struggle to return to the conversation. 

Openly discussing what each person needs and how it makes them feel can help set realistic expectations that feel reasonable and respectful to both while building emotional tolerance.

– Tiffany Lovins, Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC)

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For example, “I know you need space to think about what I said and I feel incredibly anxious when we do not resolve conversations. Can we agree to revisit this within 24 hours so you have time to think and I can feel less anxious knowing that we will come back to this conversation?”

Make a commitment and sacrifice

Once you’ve known what each of you expects from the relationships, you can now tackle the issues together. If your problem is a lack of enough time together, you can think of exciting ways to spend your time, get creative with how time is spent, and clarify what each of you defines as spending meaningful time together.

For one person, quality time may be defined as having dinner and going for a walk together. For the other person, it may be planning a night out or making time for a sexual connection.  

You will need to make sacrifices and be committed to making it work. Some sacrifices you can make include going home early after work or sparing time during weekends to be together.

If you put enough effort, the sacrifices will pay off, and you’ll have happy relationships again.

Final thoughts

Sometimes you may be confused when faced with several options. Should you end the relationship or work towards improving it? Well, don’t worry. A counselor can offer support and advice that will eventually enable you to make the right decision.

Calmerry has various specialists ready to help you bring happiness back in relationships by providing a safe space to talk about your issues. They offer guidance on improving communication and understanding between partners. 

By working with a therapist, you can gain insights into your behavior and learn how to build healthier, happier relationships.