What Are Love Bombing & Negging – How to Avoid Emotional Abuse

When it comes to romantic relationships, emotional abuse typically starts off subtly. So, it may be difficult to recognize that you’re being manipulated.

Such tactics of emotional abuse as ghosting, benching, gaslighting, breadcrumbing, love bombing, and negging are used by abusers to control a victim by eroding their self-confidence and cultivating a deep dependence on the abuser.

Some of these behaviors may seem innocent at first, so it’s easy to mistake them as signs of affection. But they are psychologically damaging.

Victims of manipulation tactics become conditioned to accept that they are not worthy, which can lead to anxiety, depression, and other mental health problems.

That’s why it’s important to distinguish the characteristics of these tactics of emotional abuse and avoid partners who use them. Recognizing these signs early on can be pivotal, and seeking support through avenues like online therapy can provide victims with the tools they need to heal and move forward.

Why is love bombing a red flag?

Love bombing is characterized by excessive attention and admiration. It can be a positive experience at the beginning of a romantic relationship because it actually feels really good, thanks to dopamine and other feel-good chemicals your brain releases.

You feel special, loved, needed, valuable, and worthy. This initial rush can feel too good to be true, which, in fact, it often is.

But love bombing is also a manipulation tactic often used by narcissists and sociopaths in an attempt to control you, and it can lead to gaslighting, abuse, and domestic violence.

In the early days of a relationship, a manipulator bombards a victim with affection, intense emotions, compliments, gifts, and an excess of their time to quickly build intimacy and trust. This tactic is difficult to spot because it looks so similar to infatuated love, and all new romantic relationships are exciting.

Is love bombing a type of abuse?

Love bombing, which is excessive affection and attention, is actually a kind of abuse.

While it may seem romantic in the beginning, it is generally a manipulative tactic. The intense suddenness makes the victim dependent and closes them off from others. Such control in the name of love can cause emotional and psychological harm.

Once the initial infatuation gives way to control, criticism, or belittling, the abusive nature is revealed. Therefore, the manipulative strength of love bombing renders it an abuse.

How is love bombing different from a loving relationship?

Love bombing involves intense, excessive displays of affection and attention early in a relationship, often to manipulate and control.

It feels overwhelming and rushed. 

A loving relationship, while positive, develops gradually with mutual respect and healthy boundaries. 

Genuine affection is consistent and balanced, unlike the manipulative extremes of love bombing.
While love bombing is about power, loving relationships are about partnership. 

Examples of love bombing

Love bombing may involve extensive texting, phone calls, emails, messages on social media, and love notes that make victims feel overwhelmed by the attention and also drawn to it.

Things progress too quickly, and the victim may lose track of what is happening and become emotionally dependent on their partner.

But once the victim is under the love bomber’s spell, their mask starts to slip. And the victim finds themselves under their control, trying to figure out what went wrong in their relationship.

As soon as the victim shows a hint of caring about anything other than their new partner, the manipulator gets angry, and the abuse begins. The manipulator starts to belittle, control, and devalue the victim.

The abusive partner alternates between being kind and loving one minute (in public to manipulate the look of a perfect romance) and cruel the next, especially in private. They may make disparaging remarks, gaslight to make their partner second-guess themselves, and cause their partner to feel invalidated and devalued.

The love bomber knows that they have control over their victim and may eventually withdraw from the relationship, feeling confident that they can return at any time and continue the cycle of abuse.

What are love-bombing stages?

Characterized by excessive displays of affection and attention, love bombing is often used to gain control in a relationship. It typically unfolds in distinct stages, moving from intense idealization to eventual devaluation.

Idealization

This initial phase involves excessive displays of affection, attention, and flattery.
The love bomber may create an intense, seemingly perfect connection, often rushing the relationship’s progression.
The idealization stage aims to establish a strong emotional bond and create a sense of dependency.

Devaluation

This stage is marked by inconsistency, where tender moments alternate with brutal ones.

Following idealization, there is a process where the abuser begins to criticize, degrade, or belittle their partner. The goal is to destroy the victim’s self-image and induce confusion and perplexity.

Discard

In this final phase, the abuser abruptly ends the relationship, typically without justification or remorse.
They may disappear, sever all contact, or engage in behaviors intended to inflict maximum emotional pain. This is carried out to complete the control of the victim.

Negging

Negging is a type of emotional manipulation that involves giving backhanded compliments or comments towards another person and insults disguised as constructive criticism.

This tactic is used by people who want to undermine, belittle, and control the people around them. Their goal is to make the target person depend on the negger’s approval for self-esteem.

It may seem innocent enough, but in fact, it’s a cruel way of making someone feel vulnerable and question themselves. Negging is most commonly seen in romantic relationships, but it can also happen in work relationships, friendships, and families.

People who negg are usually insecure in their social skills, and they’re not sure they can attract someone in healthy ways. So, they resort to tactics that make the target person feel like they have to seek their approval.

Neggers feel the need to put someone down and destroy their confidence to feel better about themselves.

Negging examples

• “You’re pretty for someone your size.”
• “You look great today; I hardly recognized you.”
• “It’s impressive you got that job, considering how competitive it is.”
• “I can’t believe you actually finished that project.”
• “It’s nice that you don’t care what people think about your outfit.”
• “Your presentation was good, considering you’re not a natural speaker.”
• “You’re almost as good as my ex at cooking.”
• “You remind me of my friend who’s really talented at this.”
• “Wow, you actually understood that?”
• “You look good with makeup; it’s a nice change.”
• “I didn’t expect you to know about this topic.”
• “That idea is decent, for a junior employee.”
• “Nice effort, even though we decided on a different direction.”

Benching

Benching is a toxic dating tactic. It means putting someone on the bench figuratively so you can save them for later as an option while you continue to date around (like in sports where players are left on a bench as reserves).

This practice of dating multiple people at once existed long before technology, but online dating has encouraged it.

Apps like Tinder make finding a new partner fairly easy, so benchers feel that there’s always someone better. That causes them to avoid commitment and keep options open just so they don’t make a wrong choice.

Benchers keep their partners as backup options as they continue to look around, hoping to meet someone better.

Ghosting

Ghosting is the practice of ending relationships by simply disappearing from the other person’s life and stopping communication without giving any valid reason.

It’s often seen as an immature or passive-aggressive way to break up, and in some instances, it can be a form of emotional abuse.

Cutting off communication is convenient for a ghoster because it spares them from confrontation and taking responsibility. But this way of ending a relationship offers no sense of closure.

It’s a cruel rejection that leaves the person who’s been ghosted completely bewildered and confused about where it all went wrong.

Being ghosted feels very painful because you are left with no explanation of why the relationship ended and guidelines for how you should proceed.

It can trigger intense feelings of guilt, grief, anger, and shame, negatively affect your self-esteem, and lead to depression and anxiety.

Is ghosting a manipulation tactic?

Ghosting can be considered a manipulation tactic. Although it is not always intended as such.

Yes, sometimes, by abruptly cutting off communication, the ghoster may seek to assert control or dominance in the relationship.

But some people ghost because they are afraid of confrontation or don’t know how to end a relationship respectfully. In some cases, ghosting is a way to protect oneself from a potentially dangerous or toxic situation.

Benching vs. ghosting

• Consistency: benchers maintain minimal, sporadic contact; ghosters cut off all communication completely.
• Intentions: benchers keep you as an option without commitment; ghosters end the relationship abruptly without explanation.
• Emotional Impact: both can be emotionally damaging, but ghosting is often more sudden and confusing, while benching can create prolonged uncertainty.

Breadcrumbing

Breadcrumbing is when someone gives just enough attention and communication to keep another person interested, without committing to a deeper relationship.

This tactic keeps the recipient emotionally invested with minimal effort from the breadcrumber.

Examples of breadcrumbing

• Sporadic messages that are often vague or flirtatious, keeping you hooked without meaningful engagement.
• Avoiding definite plans or frequently canceling/rescheduling, ensuring nothing ever solidifies.
• Mixed signals about their intentions and feelings, maintaining conversations at a superficial level.
• Seeking validation and attention without reciprocating genuine interest.
• Keeping you “on the hook” while exploring other options.
• Sending flirtatious texts or DMs intermittently, with no intention of following through on promises.
• Liking and commenting on your posts to show interest, without initiating deeper conversations.
• Messaging just enough to maintain a presence in your life.
• Making ambiguous promises about the future to keep you hopeful, without any real plans.

How to heal from love bombing

Healing takes compassion and time. First, accept that the behavior wasn’t your fault. Realize that the overpowering affection was a means of control, not love.

Second, set strong boundaries. Limit or sever contact with the person if possible. Writing about your feelings in a journal can help you work through the emotions and identify patterns. Reach out to trusted friends, family, or a therapist. They can offer objective observations and validation.

Shift your focus towards restoring your self-esteem. Participate in things that make you feel happy, practice self-care, and rediscover your own values and needs.

How to deal with love bombing

Whether you’re dealing with ghosting or other manipulative tactics, speaking with an experienced therapist or a relationship counselor can provide valuable support and insight:

• A therapist can help you understand your feelings and validate your experiences, providing clarity on the situation.
• Professional guidance can offer emotional support, helping you navigate the confusion and hurt caused by manipulative behaviors.
• Therapy can assist in rebuilding your self-esteem and self-worth, which may have been affected by inconsistent or hurtful treatment.
• A therapist can teach you how to set healthy boundaries and recognize red flags in relationships.
• Engaging in therapy can promote personal growth and help you develop healthier relationship patterns in the future.

At Calmerry, our experienced therapists are here to help you navigate complex emotions and relationship dynamics.

Start with a brief survey to tell us about your problem, and we will match you with a professional within 24 hours who knows how to help you.

Wrapping up

Some people may be unaware of the harm they bring to other people when they lovebomb, bench, gaslight, breadcrumb, or ghost them. But these tactics are often used by narcissists, sociopaths, and manipulators to obtain power over their partners and control how they feel, think, and behave.

No matter whether they’re intentional or not, these tactics are manipulative, and therefore, they are forms of emotional abuse.

Realizing you’ve been psychologically manipulated can be shocking and validating at the same time. With Calmerry’s guidance on understanding of different manipulation tactics, it can help you make sense of your experiences so you could prevent or avoid them in the future.

It’s important to remember that you’re not alone and you are worthy of love and respect from yourself and the people around you.

FAQ

How do you know if it’s love bombing?

You can recognize it by the signs of love bombing, which include excessive love and affection early on.

If a person’s love feels overwhelming and disproportionate to the beginning of the relationship, you’re being love-bombed.

What is narcissistic love bombing?

Narcissistic love bombing is a form of manipulation where someone with narcissistic personality disorder uses 

love bombing tactics to gain control. This involves extreme declarations of love and actions to make them feel dependent

How long does love bombing usually last?

The end of a love bombing typically occurs once the love bomber often feels secure in the relationship. This can vary, but generally, it ceases once the relationship moving forward is established and they begin to exert control.

What should you do if someone is love-bombing you?

If you suspect love bombing, it’s important to recognize that this is an unhealthy relationship. Consider discussing your concerns with friends or family members, and if necessary, terminate the relationship.

What are the three stages of love bombing?

While not always distinctly separate, the stages involve idealization (intense affection), devaluation (withdrawal), and discard (abandonment). Love bombing is most often seen in the idealization phase at the start of a new relationship.

How can you tell the difference between love bombing and real affection?

Real affection builds over time with a new partner, whereas love bombing often involves rapid and overwhelming displays.

Genuine affection feels real and consistent, while love bombing isn’t.

What does subtle love bombing look like?

Subtle signs of love bombing can involve constant compliments, excessive attention, and rapid future planning, even if it is not a direct “say ‘I love’” situation.

Love bombing often involves controlling behaviors disguised as caring.

How is love bombing a red flag?

Love bombing is considered a red flag because it often precedes manipulation and control in an unhealthy relationship. The excessive and rapid intensity of the person’s love is a sign to look for.

Why do people use love bombing in relationships?

People use love bombing to gain control and make them feel dependent on them quickly. Love bombers often have underlying insecurities or a desire for power.  

What steps should you take if you have been a victim of love bombing?

If you’ve been a victim of getting love bombed, seek support from friends and family members or a therapist. If necessary, leave a relationship. It doesn’t necessarily mean you are weak, it means you are taking care of yourself.