How to Not Take Things Personally – 8 Effective Tips

Are you always blaming yourself when other people don’t treat you well?

Are you sensitive to what others think of you?

Do you get emotional and defensive to any form of criticism?

These can be signs that you take things too personally, which can take a huge mental and emotional toll on you.

Why do I take things personally?

One of the most common patterns of the human mind is personalization.

We can only experience life as ourselves, so we view ourselves as the center of our world. We see every conversation, event, circumstance, etc., from the viewpoint of how it relates to us.

Not seeing the bigger picture leads to adverse effects. We tend to react to the actions and words of other people as if they are personal judgments or statements about us.

Another biased form of thinking that involves taking things personally is mindreading. It’s a belief that someone is making a critical judgment about you.

That may occur when you misinterpret what someone else is saying, if there’s a communication breakdown, or in an ambiguous situation where you haven’t received any direct feedback.

If you tend to take things personally when they are not personal, it might be because you feel insecure and are projecting your insecurities onto other people. You may think people will dislike something you don’t like about yourself. You expect others to doubt your abilities to do things that intimidate you. You may also expect others to reject what you reject in yourself.

– Iryna Horkovska, Special education teacher

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How to stop taking things personally

We can’t control what others do or say, but we can control how we react.

We can choose what to internalize, which means take it personally, and what to disregard. Anyone can learn to stop taking things personally and eliminate the stress and anxiety that come with it.

Although not taking things personally doesn’t come naturally, this skill should be honed.

Here are 8 tips on how to stop taking things personally.

1. Question your own perfectionism

Many people who take things personally are focused on avoiding failure and harsh judgment. They often work really hard to be flawless and excellent so that no one will criticize them.

They are very disappointed when they get negative feedback because it feels like all their efforts were wasted.

You can reframe your reaction in a few ways:

• One is to incorporate getting better at receiving feedback into your perfectionism. You should be an overachiever when it comes to dealing with commentary and facing the haters.

• Another way is to change your perfectionism, which takes time and work. Develop compassion for yourself and accept the fact that you can’t be perfect at all times. Know your worth and learn to accept yourself as a person. Try to realize that you are enough just as you are and that specific people value you and your personality.

It may be valuable to reflect on what your perfectionism does for you (for example, as a shield from disappointment or to prevent harm), or rather what you think it does for you, and recognize where this trait tends to actually create more harm than help. For example, recognizing that “If I assume all responsibility is mine tied to any one outcome, then I will always end up feeling more disappointment or guilt when things don’t work out. Even when they are not within my control.”

2. Realize that it’s not about you

Although it may seem personal, people rarely do things because of you – they do things because of them, their wants and needs.

People’s reactions and behaviors are about their perspectives and experiences. So, in challenging situations, you should always try to expand your perspective and look at what is happening from someone else’s vantage point.

Don’t jump to a conclusion, but ask yourself, “What else could this mean?” What if there might be another explanation for someone’s words and actions?

Try to see something positive in the other person’s intention. This will help you look at the situation objectively and make space for understanding rather than irritation.

Many people have emotional issues they’re dealing with, and it can make them rude, defiant, and downright thoughtless sometimes. They may be doing the best they can, or they may be not even aware of their issues. In any situation, you can learn not to interpret other people’s behaviors as personal attacks.

Instead, you should learn to see them as non-personal encounters and respond to them gracefully or don’t respond at all.

3. Ask for clarification

Avoid negative assumptions because it’s a sure way to create misunderstandings and conflict.

When in doubt, don’t be afraid to ask people what they mean. Give them a chance to repeat themselves or to elaborate on their ideas.

But it’s important to do it tactfully without being too emotional, blaming the other person, and triggering emotional reactions. Often, it’s helpful to approach this from a place of curiosity. 

Sometimes, it makes sense to be vulnerable, open up, and let others know how you feel. By doing this, you can increase the chance that they’ll understand you and consider your needs.

4. Challenge your assumptions

Your initial interpretation of a situation may be influenced by your own fears, insecurities, or past traumas. These experiences can color your perception and lead you to make assumptions about others’ intentions or feelings toward you.

When you catch yourself taking something personally, take a step back and examine the evidence objectively.

Ask yourself questions like:

• “What are the facts of the situation, separate from my emotions?“
• “Could there be alternative explanations for this person’s behavior that don’t involve a personal attack?“
• “Who or what else shares responsibility for the outcome of this situation?”

It might be possible that you’re projecting your own doubts or self-criticism onto others. Reflect on whether your interpretation aligns with the other person’s typical behavior and communication style.

5. Focus on what you can control

As we mentioned earlier, you have the power to choose your thoughts, emotions, and reactions in any given situation. While you cannot control others’ behavior, you can control how you respond.

When you get caught up in taking things personally, redirect your attention to your goals and priorities. Ask yourself, “What is most important to me in this situation, and how can I act in alignment with my values?“

6. Recognize your triggers

Self-awareness is a crucial skill for everyone, and it’s especially useful in learning your triggers.

What are the situations where you tend to react impulsively that don’t make you proud? We don’t always have control over these triggers, but we have control over how we react to them.

If you recognize and identify why these triggers bother you, you’ll have more control over the situation. You won’t be just blindly reacting to them. You’ll know why you’re reacting that way and will be able to adjust accordingly.

Reacting opposite to the urge, fuelled by emotion tied to the trigger, is critical in reducing the power of the trigger and why it exists in the first place! 

– Tiffany Lovins, Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC)

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7. Get busy

It’s easy to get caught up in a cycle of negative thinking when you’re idle. But if you’re busy, it’s hard to find time to think about other people and care about what they think.

It might be helpful to fill your life with people you care about, such as family and friends, work that brings you joy, volunteering if you like to help others, or a meaningful hobby.

Chances are that strangers and people you hardly know but who pass judgment aren’t going to cross your mind. This not only reduces the tendency to get caught in negative thinking but also builds mastery and confidence.

8. Focus on the positive

It’s possible to find something good in every situation and encounter. So, instead of dwelling on what happened or didn’t happen or what hurt you, you should look on the bright side.

Any negative situation can teach you a lesson you just need to learn.

You can train your mind to remember something positive when it encounters something negative and focus on it. For example, you can think about the good things you’ve experienced and the compliments you’ve received.

A good idea is to keep a gratitude journal or try expressive writing.

Do highly sensitive people take things personally?

Yes, highly sensitive people (HSPs) often tend to take things more personally than others. Here’s why:

1. HSPs process information and reflect deeply. They read more into situations and perceive criticism or rejection where none was intended.
2. HSPs tend to have strong emotional responses and can be more easily overwhelmed by both positive and negative feelings. So, they can be more susceptible to taking things to heart.
3. HSPs are often highly empathetic. While this empathy is a strength, it can also cause them to internalize others’ feelings and take responsibility for their well-being.
4. Many HSPs have a strong need for harmony in their relationships and environment. When they perceive conflict or disapproval, they may take it personally and feel responsible for resolving it. Unfortunately, this can have the opposite effect, in which they enable unhealthy patterns or tolerate behaviors from others that are not beneficial to their own well-being. 

What happens when you take things too personally?

It’s a self-destructive habit that drains you of all your energy and positivity and makes you constantly reevaluate your self-esteem.

You may feel hurt, offended, neglected, or betrayed by others and get angry and somewhat aggressive. Then you may spend hours or even days ruminating about what happened, unable to learn from that situation and move on.

Taking things personally is exhausting and overwhelming. It can contribute to negative, self-limiting beliefs, preventing you from pursuing your goals and achieving success in your career.

– Iryna Horkovska, Special education teacher

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The more you take things personally, the more difficult it may be to objectively assess the various situations you encounter at work, and the more challenging it may be to build authentic professional relationships.

Get help from a counselor

Learning how not to take things personally at work and in relationships will give you more control over how you respond and your emotions and make you feel more empowered.

The most effective way to break bonds with insecurity is to work with a counselor.

A counselor is an unbiased, non-judgmental observer who can offer valuable feedback on your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

They can help you recognize patterns or blind spots that may contribute to your tendency to take things personally – and provide guidance on how to address them.

A viable option is to try online therapy on Calmerry, where you can connect with a licensed counselor who will work with you to help you undo the habits that keep you stuck.

Start with a brief survey – and get matched with your best-fit counselor within 1 hour.