How Should I Deal With My Feelings For A Married Woman?

October 19, 2020

Key Takeaways:

  • Getting attracted to a married woman is not something to be ashamed of.
  • You must weigh the pros and cons of acting on your feelings.
  • Talking to a relationship counselor helps deal with the moral dilemma caused by loving a married woman.

I think I’ve found my soul mate – she’s perfect! I love everything about her except the fact that she is married. I don’t know what to do about it. Does this statement describe your moral dilemma?

It is not abnormal to have feelings for a married woman. Although she is married, you can still find her attractive. Unfortunately, acting on your feelings may not be the best thing to do. As hard as it is to hear, a relationship with a married woman may not be the best for you.

Should you confess that you love her? What will you do if she turns you down? What if she says yes? Is the feeling mutual? Does your relationship stand a chance? Read on to find answers to these common questions about loving a married woman.

Should I Confess My Feelings For a Married Woman?

The safest option is always to keep your feelings to yourself. The truth is, loving a married woman is not easy. Confessing makes you vulnerable to someone who is emotionally not available.

When you realize that you have feelings for someone’s wife, you should try to resist it. Distract yourself from thoughts of her as much as you can. If possible, avoid spending too much time with her. Maybe, the feelings will go away.

Although love is an overwhelming emotion, you might be able to use your mind to overcome it. Think pragmatically about your feelings. Why are you attracted to her? Is it physical, romantic, or sexual attraction? Do you want her so much because she is unavailable?

Despite avoiding her and thinking pragmatically, your feelings might grow stronger. You should not feel guilty about this because falling in love is part of life. Now, you have a moral dilemma; should you tell her that you love her?

In some cases, confessing might be worthwhile. Telling her how you feel will bring great relief. Finally, your secret is out, and you do not have to hide it anymore. You feel good because you got to express your love. It takes a lot of courage to make this move.

What If She Turns Me Down?

Rejection hurts. Even though she is a married woman, your love for her came with some expectations. Being disappointed so soon will surely hurt your feelings. However, you need to respect her wishes.

Maybe what you have is unrequited love. Although you are attracted to her, she does not feel the same way about you. It is common for people not to feel the same way about each other. Accept her decision and know that you will meet someone who loves you just as much as you love her.

In some cases, she is attracted to you but is not willing to be disloyal to her husband. As a married woman, she has a lot of attachment to her spouse. Hearing this from her should not surprise you because she is in a committed relationship. Her loyalty is praiseworthy.

Do not take offense when a married woman rejects you. Be proud of yourself for making the bold move to confess. Respect her wishes, and do not pursue the matter anymore. Do not let the hurt overwhelm you; distract yourself and keep thoughts of her to a minimum. Eventually, your feelings for her will subside.

What If She Feels The Same Way?

What should you do if the love is mutual? An open and honest discussion between you and her is necessary. Talk about all the possibilities and difficult decisions to be made for the relationship to work.

Your lover has spent years with her husband. She has probably invested a lot of time and energy into making the marriage work. Together they have children, a home, pets, extended family, and businesses. Will she give it all up for you? Do you believe her when she says she will?

If your lover says she will not leave her husband for you, how does it make you feel? Are you willing to be her secret lover? Will your needs be met in such a relationship? All these questions must be explored as the answers determine whether your relationship will work.

Will A Relationship With A Married Woman Last?

Relationships that last are healthy ones. They are the type where both partners are happy and fulfilled. If your relationship with the woman you love does not have the qualities listed below, it might not be fulfilling.

Mutual Respect

You should understand each other’s values and boundaries. Neither of you should coerce, force, or threaten the other into breaking boundaries. Being considerate of each other is a sign of a healthy relationship.

Trust

Can you give her the benefit of the doubt? Can she do the same for you? Trusting each other is necessary for a fulfilling relationship. Both of you need to believe what you tell each other.

Honesty

Can you tell each other the truth, no matter how much it hurts? Having a partner who is always honest makes you confident. However, knowing that she is cheating on her husband with you might make you doubtful.

Communication

Being able to clearly articulate your emotions is a great foundation for a healthy relationship. You should be able to express your feelings clearly without holding back. That way, both of you will be content.

Mutual Effort

Will both of you put in the work needed for a successful relationship? When one person does all the work, there can be resentment. A fulfilling relationship has both parties making an effort.

Finding The Answers Within Yourself

Have you fallen for a married woman before? If you find yourself attracted to women who are in relationships, you should find out why. You could be having deeper psychological issues that cause you to go for married women.

Some of the reasons for this pattern are:

  • Emotional unavailability – you do not want to commit to someone fully so you go for women who cannot be fully committed to you;
  • Past trauma – growing up in an environment that encourages extra-marital affairs, or seeing someone you love go through a divorce;
  • Social proof – being married is social proof that a woman is “worth” coupling with. Because human beings are social creatures, they desire things that have been validated by society;
  • Thrill-seeking – you are addicted to challenges. Because a woman is unavailable, you find the chase and conquest exciting;
  • Taboo – married women are supposed to be off-limits, so you go after them just to cross that forbidden boundary.

Even if it is your first time falling for a married woman, you can still get answers within yourself. Think about why the fact that she is committed to someone else does not change how you feel. If you are truly confused about the situation, talking to a counselor might give you some clarity.

How To Cope With Your Feelings For A Married Woman

Acknowledge your emotions. Rather than ignore or deny them, admit that you are falling in love with a married woman. The best way to deal with uncomfortable emotions is to face them and decide what to do.

Treat yourself with compassion. If you chose to confess and get rejected, take it in stride and keep it moving. If you chose to pursue her even though she is with someone else, avoid negative thoughts, and keep affirming your emotions.

Do not be defined by one incident of attraction to a married woman. If this is your first time getting entangled with an unavailable woman, do not let it become a habit. In the future, make a conscious effort to seek emotionally available women who can commit fully to you. Do not let one incident define you.

Practice self-care. Eat well, sleep enough, and get some exercise. Yoga and meditation are great activities to do. Spend time with friends and family to distract yourself. By indulging in activities that you enjoy, you will get clarity to deal with the moral dilemma.

Seek Help From A Professional

For some, the realization of being in love with a married woman might be too much to handle. The feeling of rejection, doubts, and suspicion can cause emotional turmoil. To help cope with the chaos, you can talk to a relationship counselor.

Experienced counselors will help you navigate your feelings. Instead of getting confused and wondering why you go for married women, talk to someone about it. We have a panel of counselors who have helped people cope with the feelings of unrequited and forbidden love.

Our service is offered online. It is accessible remotely from any location. If you would rather not go to a counselor’s office, our service suits you. We have text, call, and video therapy to help you deal with relationship problems.

Wondering whether you will get a counselor who understands how you feel? We have many counselors who would be a good fit. We match you with the most compatible one. If you request us to, we can switch your assigned therapist at no extra cost.

With us, you will get relevant help with zero judgment. Are you ready to get guidance from a licensed professional? Fill in the request form now and let us match you to your relationship counselor.

Kate Skurat

Kate Skurat

Licensed Mental Health Counselor

Washington, United States

Kate has a B.S. in Psychology and M.A. in Clinical Psychology from Pepperdine University and has worked in healthcare since 2017. She primarily treated depression, anxiety, eating disorders, trauma, and grief, as well as identity, relationship and adjustment issues. Her clinical experience has focused on individual and group counseling, emergency counseling and outreach. Read more.

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