Delayed Grief: Recognizing and Coping with Postponed Mourning
![A person is having bottled up feelings and a delayed grief as a result](/wp-content/uploads/2024/07/Delayed-grief-1024x410.jpg)
Table of Contents
It’s commonly believed that the grieving process always immediately follows the experience of a significant loss.
Movies, shows, books, and even music often portray characters who lose a loved one, go through a difficult breakup, or experience other challenging life changes and become almost instantly overwhelmed by depression, anger, loneliness, and all of the other emotions typically associated with grief.
The reality, though, is that we often experience grief in unpredictable ways. Because of a number of different factors, our grieving process and the time it takes to move through it are often both as unique and individual as we are. When we’re unable to process our emotions in the time closely following a loss, we refer to this as delayed grief.
While all grieving processes can be difficult to move through, delayed grief can be especially burdensome because it prolongs the amount of time it takes to heal from loss – which can significantly impact a person’s relationships, roles, and life.
What is delayed grief?
In short, delayed grief is when the emotional reaction to a loss or other difficult life circumstances does not occur directly after the event.
A typical, uncomplicated grief process is what most people think of when the word “grief” comes to mind. For most, symptoms associated with the typical grieving process often decrease over time and do not overwhelmingly impact daily functioning after the acute grieving period ends.
Elizabeth Kübler-Ross defined the general grief process as having five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and, finally, acceptance.
As described by Kübler-Ross, typical grief usually begins with denial and ends with acceptance, with a grieving individual moving into and out of the three middle stages over an unspecified period of time.
Individuals may move on from one stage, only to go back to a previous one, and the time one takes to transition within and between stages is unique to each person.
Delayed grief occurs when grief-related symptoms emerge after a period of time has passed since the initial event, or when the grieving individual experiences them in waves over a longer period of time than expected.
Delayed grief may appear months or even years after the loss and, often, it can be difficult to recognize delayed grief as such because, at first glance, the person’s emotional response does not seem to be tied to any one specific event.
An example of a delayed grief response
Jane is a 36-year-old mother of two. She and her spouse of eight years ended their relationship six months ago. And over the past few weeks, she has been experiencing increased feelings of sadness, anger, and intense longing for a romantic partner.
She’s also been having difficulty sleeping and has been eating more than usual. Jane says that work has been stressful lately. But otherwise, she’s felt good since her breakup and has been busy trying to negotiate co-parenting and building new routines as a family living in separate homes.
Jane doesn’t quite realize it, but the emergence of these new symptoms so long after the end of her relationship is because she is experiencing delayed grief after a breakup.
Symptoms of delayed grief
As with uncomplicated grief, a delayed grief response does not follow a “one size fits all” timeline or pattern. Because delayed grief is a response to unprocessed emotions, the experience is often unique to the feelings, contexts, and circumstances of each individual going through it.
Importantly, delayed grief, like typical grief, can manifest in both physical and emotional symptoms.
Some common emotional symptoms of delayed grief include:
- Persistent sadness
- Loneliness
- Intrusive thoughts or memories
- Anger
- Anxiety
- Difficulty enjoying things that used to bring you pleasure
- Strong feelings of guilt, regret, or longing
- Numbness or detachment
Some common physical symptoms of delayed grief include:
- Fatigue or low energy
- Trouble falling asleep or staying asleep
- Changes in appetite (increase or decrease)
- Somatic changes such as new aches and pains or digestive problems
![An infographic titled "Symptoms of delayed grief" by Calmerry. It lists 12 symptoms:
Emerge after a period of time has passed since the initial event or in waves over a long period of time
Persistent sadness
Loneliness
Intrusive thoughts or memories
Anger
Anxiety
Difficulty enjoying things that used to bring you pleasure
Strong feelings of guilt, regret, or longing
Numbness or detachment
Fatigue or low energy
Trouble falling asleep or staying asleep
Changes in appetite (increase or decrease)
Somatic changes such as new aches and pains or digestive problems
The image includes an illustration of a person lying down, looking distressed.](/wp-content/uploads/2024/07/Delayed-grief-7-scaled.jpg)
So, can grief come out years later?
In short, yes! Grief can come out weeks, months, and even years after the initial loss. A person may experience a period of time where they believe they have processed the loss and feel better before having another wave of grief crash over them some time later.
Because so many different factors can influence an individual’s grief timeline, it is often impossible to predict the duration of one’s grieving process.
Causes of delayed grief
Delayed grief can occur for a variety of reasons, but some common triggers of delayed grief include:
Distraction/busyness following the loss
Often, a significant loss is accompanied by a period of busyness for a grieving individual. Funeral plans must be made, loved ones must be contacted, and normal daily life often must continue as before.
If a person lacks the time and space to properly process their feelings surrounding a loss, those feelings may remain unaddressed until the person allows themselves to confront them or until the feelings become so overwhelming that the grief is forced into the center of attention.
Experiencing an unexpected loss
Because it is not possible to mentally or emotionally prepare for an unexpected loss, it can be common to experience persistent denial in the wake of going through such a loss.
The pain of the loss may also be so overwhelming for a person to face that they use denial as a defense mechanism and turn away from the feelings that are surfacing.
Often, this can lead to a build-up of emotions that eventually bubble over and manifest in a delayed grief response.
Personality-dependent coping traits
There are a number of personality traits that increase the likelihood of a delayed grief response. For example, in the face of a difficult experience, some people tend to turn away, rather than toward, the emotional response.
If you are someone who is inclined to distract themselves from their feelings or attend to the more surface-level emotions rather than fully process the depth of the experience, you may be more likely to experience delayed grief following a loss.
Another personality-dependent trait that may increase the chance of experiencing a delayed grief response is the tendency toward holding maladaptive thinking patterns paired with avoidance behaviors, which can result in a person lacking the ability to appropriately acclimate to the reality of the loss.
Lack of support
Lack of social support can be a trigger for delayed grief because having a social network to lean on in the wake of a significant loss means that an individual is more likely to have people around to help take on the burden of getting necessary tasks done.
This can include arranging for funeral plans, getting groceries, or helping care for children. This helps provide the space needed for a grieving person to process their feelings.
A strong support network also means that a person is likely to have others with whom they can discuss the loss and the accompanying emotional experience, giving room to freely express and, ultimately, let go of or reduce the burden of the difficult feelings.
Unresolved/unprocessed issues or events associated with the loss
When we lose someone before we have been able to carry out important emotional processes such as saying goodbye or resolving difficult issues within the relationship, we can be more prone to experiencing delayed grief.
We may carry forward with us regrets about things that were or were not said, past behaviors, or dynamics within the relationship. This can make it challenging to appropriately grieve because it can feel like there is no recourse to address this unfinished business.
![An infographic titled "Causes of delayed grief" by Calmerry. It lists six causes:
Lack of the time and space to properly process feelings.
Denial as a defense mechanism against unexpected loss and pain.
Maladaptive thinking patterns paired with avoidance behaviors that don't allow one to appropriately acclimate to the reality of the loss.
Lack of social support to lean on.
Unresolved important emotional processes, such as saying goodbye, or difficult issues within the relationship.
Regrets about things that were or were not said.
The image includes an illustration of a person overwhelmed by hands reaching towards them.](/wp-content/uploads/2024/07/Delayed-grief-6.jpg)
The impact of delayed grief
On mental health
Delayed grief, and grief in general, can exacerbate previously existing mental health issues or can induce new mental health issues that you may have never struggled with previously. As emotions are typically suppressed and not attended to in delayed grief, these feelings tend to intensify.
For example, feelings of sadness exacerbate into major depression or a small amount of anxiety cascades into anger-fueled outbursts. Intensified emotions can take longer to resolve, impact daily functioning in more significant ways, and impair an individual for a prolonged period of time.
On relationships
Delayed grief can have a variety of impacts on relationships, both positive and negative. Delayed grief, if positively coped with, may prompt you to reach out to your social network for support, which can strengthen connections and bolster relationships.
Delayed grief can also help you make new connections with others going through the same experience; it may lead you into new environments with people who understand your journey and are willing to support you as you progress in your grief.
However, delayed grief may also present obstacles in your close relationships by keeping you from being as present in your loved ones’ lives as you’d like to be or leading to complex fractures in relationships due to emotional disconnectedness.
On daily life
Because of the symptoms associated with delayed grief, daily life may or may not be impacted. You may find it more difficult to carry out tasks you normally do on a daily basis, or you may find that you don’t experience daily life in the same way you used to.
Research shows that grief has a significant impact on neurocognitive functioning due to the intensity of the experience and the drain on energy resources bereavement can induce. This is all very normal and a common aspect of grieving.
How to cope with delayed grief
Allow room to grieve
Most commonly, delayed grief occurs in response to unprocessed emotions. By giving yourself the time and space to connect with the emotional experience surrounding a loss, you allow yourself to move through the feelings rather than suppressing them.
Reducing distraction and slowing down to attend to your own needs can help you identify positive coping strategies and your own unique way of processing challenging events and emotions so that you can more easily progress through the stages of grief.
Practice self-care
There are a number of self-care strategies that can be employed to help ease the grieving process and further connect with the emotions surrounding a loss or difficult life change. These can include:
- Maintaining a healthy routine – when we are experiencing stress, we are often inclined to stray from our regular wellness routine. By prioritizing sleep, healthy eating habits, and moving our bodies, we ensure that we are taking care of our physical selves so that we may tend to our emotional selves.
- Mindfulness-based practices, such as guided meditation, can help center one’s attention in the present, allowing for full awareness of the emotions that one may be suppressing.
- Journaling or expressive writing – a therapeutic intervention that allows for more deeply hidden emotions to be brought to the surface for processing. When we don’t let ourselves feel the loss, we can’t possibly move toward accepting it as reality. Writing allows us to confront and more completely understand what can be a complex emotional experience.
Lean on social supports
One of the best things we can do to bolster our coping resources and energy during a stressful time is to lean on others. Reach out to a trusted family member or a friend who can be a listening ear or help carry out some of the more typical life responsibilities so that you may have the space to grieve your loss.
Surround yourself with people who will help you maintain your physical health by going on walks or cooking healthy meals. Reach out to a local bereavement support group so that you may be in the company of others who have also experienced a significant loss and are looking for support to move through it.
Seek professional support
Often, there are feelings, experiences, and unresolved issues that are better processed with the support of a professional. If you are struggling to properly grieve or feel as if you are overwhelmed by your grief, consider talking through your emotions with a therapist or counselor.
Processing your feelings with someone who is professionally trained in therapeutic interventions such as cognitive-behavioral therapy, mindfulness-based stress reduction techniques, grief-focused expressive therapy, and more can help you better understand and move through your own individual grieving process.
Final thoughts
Grief is complex. We each arrive at our own grieving process with our unique histories, personalities, coping mechanisms, circumstances, and supports.
While a delayed grieving response can be difficult to navigate, there are resources to help you move through your grief so that you may better understand yourself, your relationships, and how to integrate your grieving process into a meaningful experience to carry forward in life.
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