toxic mother - cakmerry

Why Are the Mother-Child Relationships Complicated?

The relationships between parents and children are never simple. There are times when parents can’t understand their children and vise versa. Or maybe they don’t want to? In this article, we will dig a little deeper into this topic.

We will tell you about:

  • Why children feel like their mother hates them
  • Why such relationships are complicated
  • What can be done about it

Sometimes the problems that occur in such a relationship are very simple and short-term. Usually, they resolve by themselves. However, there are cases when the problems turn into chronic ones that pop up from time to time. It is not a unique thing to experience. In almost all parent-child relationships, there are such cases. Sometimes it feels like your mother hates you. But that is a very strong word. Children feel that there is nothing that could be done and feel hopeless in such cases. Luckily, some things can be done to make things better.

Is It Really Hate?

It is a fact that people think that mothers should love their children for no reason and that it can be only this way. Mothers protect their children and care about them from the moment they are born. Therefore it is impossible to imagine a mother hating her children.

Almost every child had thought at least once in their life that their mother doesn’t like them. But usually, the problem is not regarding the mother, but the child. It is called cognitive distortion and means that the children’s thoughts don’t meet reality.

But it is not always like that. The truth is that sometimes mothers do have some unresolved issues towards the children and can even hate them. If you think that this is your case, we are very sorry for you since it must be very painful. In such cases, people need to get help to sort their thoughts out. A professional and qualified therapist can provide you with support in such a situation.

Why Is the Relationship So Bad?

Every case is different and unique. There is no one reason why a mother can hate her children that can explain everything. However, there are some well-known generalizations.

First of all, if the child that thinks that their mother doesn’t love them is of a younger age, they can easily be mistaken. Sometimes mothers do such things that the children don’t want them to do because they think that it is best for them that way. In fact, mothers love them dearly and want to protect them from something. Children do not always understand that and tend to think that the situation is entirely different.

Another reason that can be the case here is that parents may want their children to reach some achievements and do the things that they weren’t able to do when they were kids. Of course, your mom will always wish you the best, but it will look like criticism and hatred from your point of view. Or if children do something that their mother said is not allowed to be done, she may be mad that they don’t follow the rules. In such a case, the child will feel hatred, and it will bring some other deeper issues back to life.

There is a well-known term that describes the parent’s behavior when they are way too strict – “tiger parents.” They are the type that has very high expectations for their children, and when they realize that the bar is set high and their child can’t do it, they get upset. They may tell that their children didn’t try hard enough and that they are disappointed. In such cases, the mother still loves her children and wants them to be the best. However, because of the pressure to be perfect, the children end up feeling sad, lonely, and depressed.

How to find out if your mother is toxic or not?

Well, if you notice these factors in her behavior, then you know the answer to this question:

  • She doesn’t care about your sad/negative feelings
  • She thinks that you are the one to make her happy
  • She ruins all the boundaries that you had or want to have
  • She cannot get over the thought of you being more important than she is
  • She behaves in a cruel way
  • She makes you feel scared of her

If you think that at least one of these statements is true about your mother, it doesn’t mean that it is your fault. Sometimes mothers have very motivated reasons for such a behavior that has nothing to do with their children. They are just the best to blow off some steam. To improve the situation as much as possible, speak up. Don’t be afraid to tell her what you feel. But don’t be sad if it doesn’t work out the way you hoped it would.

Before jumping to any conclusion about your mother’s behavior, first think about the reason for that behavior. Maybe she wants the best for you, and it is her way of telling you that. If it is your case, go and talk to her. Let her know how you feel. Usually, in such cases, the mother realizes her mistakes, and you can discuss the ways to support and love each other better.

She May Be Jealous

Jealousy is an emotion that has the power to ruin mother-kid relationships. Sometimes parents get jealous about some actions of the child. They wish that they were as smart as a child, or think that the child has too many great things in his/her life when they had a complicated childhood. Or maybe the mother misses being young and beautiful and is jealous that her daughter is beautiful right now. Remember that both you and your mother are simply human beings that tend to make mistakes and find it hard to control feelings. There is nothing normal in being jealous of anything about one’s child. But sometimes it is extremely difficult to do something about it and control this emotion.

Is there anything that you did to hurt your mother? Think carefully. You might not have even noticed the moment that you have hurt your mother, but actually, you did. Maybe she is still hurt but doesn’t want to bring that topic up because she doesn’t want to go through all of that over again. If you think that this is the case, and you even know why that happened, go talk to your mother and apologize. Maybe it won’t help right away, but it will speed up the emotional healing process, and you and your parents will understand each other better.

What Can You Do?

Think for a while, and try to analyze your mom’s behavior. Does she really hate you? If the answer is yes, there is not much you can do. First of all, try to talk to her about your feelings. Tell her everything that you have been experiencing and all your thoughts. Be open to the discussion. Usually, parents don’t even realize the impact of their behavior on their children until they point it out.

It is essential to remember not to put your hopes too high. There is nothing you can do to change your parents. However, many things can help you cope with the stress caused by such a situation. Focus on yourself. Think about your behavior and how you can improve it. Start small. No one reached anything without crying in the dark. You need to be strong and take action to invest in your own growth.

The most effective approach to improve the situation is forgiveness. One has to work with the feelings that were caused by your mother’s behavior and take the necessary measures to get past it. As soon as you forgive, you will notice that you are free from pain and resentment. With time you will be able to manage anger and hard feelings. But the feelings are not the only things that are affected by such behavior. It can affect your mental health, as well. Sometimes children even feel depressed because of it. The best way to cope with these issues is to talk to someone about it. Don’t keep it inside yourself. Many people can help you improve your relationships with your parents and bring back joy into your life.

The Bottom Line

“I think that I am incapable of getting through this situation by myself.” Our therapists are used to hearing statements like this. If you think that you feel like that, too, then you can benefit from therapy sessions. Here at Calmerry, anyone can get professional help. Our database contains hundreds of qualified specialists that can help you find a solution to the mother-child issues.

If you have been hurt not only emotionally, but also physically, don’t be afraid, there is a way out of such a situation. Call the domestic abuse hotline right away, and they will provide you with further instructions.

If you live in a toxic environment, you will have problems daily. Get the qualified help that you deserve and resolve any issues that you may have. Therapists provide not only individual sessions but also offer family counseling. The second option is the best one in such a case. The expert will help you deal with a situation and provide you with professional advice on how to change it for the better and feel happier. Contact us to learn more about how our therapists can help you improve your relationships.

Kate Skurat

Kate Skurat

Licensed Mental Health Counselor | Washington, United States

Kate has a B.S. in Psychology and M.A. in Clinical Psychology from Pepperdine University and has worked in healthcare since 2017. She primarily treated depression, anxiety, eating disorders, trauma, and grief, as well as identity, relationship and adjustment issues. Her clinical experience has focused on individual and group counseling, emergency counseling and outreach. Read more